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Sunday, December 8, 2013

Depression... Can you really compare it to the flu?

Recently I saw a comic on Facebook. It was comparing the flu to depression. I found this off to be honest. Basically the message was that just as you get sick with the flu you can not tell it to go away, or that you can not make yourself get better. While it seems to be a nice message, and one I believed for many years, I don't agree 100%. Before I go farther please know that this is coming from someone who has been severely depressed at different times in my life. I understand how it feels, the literal aches and pains that come with it, and above all the feeling of being helpless to it, and to my surroundings. It does creep back, but that is EXACTLY why you absolutely can NOT believe that comic. In no way, shape, or form am I a doctor. This is simply my opinion based on personal experience.

First thing that stood out about the comic, and actually kind of made me sad was the fact that there was NO hope. 

The message:(Strictly from my viewpoint)
You have depression, you can not cure it, people do NOT understand, therefor people who are not depressed STOP trying to help me get better. People STOP trying to get me to do things that will help me, and STOP trying to be there for me when I probably need it the most. Why won't people understand, I am sick?

Depression IS a sickness, and one that causes deep pain both emotional and physical. It can be caused by many different things. Other people really do have a hard time understanding, but can you 100% blame them? (Unless they are being mean of course) Really though, if you have not gone through it would you be able to know what to say, or how to act around someone who has? I doubt it. They are probably doing the best they know how to help you. 

This is the cool part though... and if you are someone who has liked that comic, maybe it is new to you. That is EXCITING!! Why? Because if you honestly take this concept on, test it for yourself, and give it your all... You WILL be amazed at what you are capable of!!! 

I previously wrote a post, it was about how the thoughts you have make you who you are. (If you are one who struggles) Be honest with yourself, how many times are your thoughts DEPRESSING?!?! 

"I am so sad all of the time!"
"I am depressed, and can not be helped, it is the hand I was dealt."

Those are just a couple of the countless examples we may tell ourselves daily. 

Now this isn't a think about it now, and forget later type of thing. I want you to pay attention to your thoughts for at least 48 hours. Those thoughts will come, but WHAT will you do with them? ALLOW them to keep you down, or find the strength that you know you have and push them away? 

Now this alone will not do the trick. It takes effort, and to someone who is truly down you may be thinking "What's the use" (KICK that thought away right now!!!!) 

Have you seen the power of some one's mind, and might I add help and support from up above, cause miracles? Someone who was told that they would never walk again, deciding that that was NOT an okay diagnosis. They push with everything they have both physically and mentally, not giving up until one day they do it, they take that first step... 

I believe, that our Father in Heaven will help us through anything. We HAVE to do our part, and show him that we are willing to work for it. Please don't sit back and be "okay". Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just survived. You do have the strength in you to make changes, but YOU have to find it. Start small if you have to, but just START! 

Here is my honest list of what I have tried that has worked, and what has not. 

Didn't work

Medicine while a teenager... NOT GOOD for me!! Thoughts of suicide anyone? I quit cold turkey, and that was not good ether. 

Making myself "prettier" (Because of course I would be happy than, right?) Umm Eating disorders, and way to many efforts trying to please other people with looks. Made it worse of course!!!

Along with the last one, seeking attention from other's. Always wanting to be wanted. "If someone wants me, I must be worth while..." Not the cure

At one stage it was the opposite of losing weight... I kept EATING, If I saw food, I ate it. It became a full blown addiction. 

Many more, but lets get to what does help

Did/does work for me

Staying close and true to my beliefs, and family. When I am off here, it is hard to be happy. Sometimes the only fix I need is a good prayer to my Father in Heaven. 

Exercise, for me, I like it intense. So that I can get my frustrations out. It just feels amazing! Maybe for you though it is a walk, or something less crazy. Get the endorphins, it is FREE, and does not change who you are like some medicines can do. 

Nutrition, It is funny how when I am not eating how I should... I get sluggish, and old sad feelings start to show. It makes a HUGE difference! 

Support, surrounding myself with positive people really changes my thoughts, and therefor my mood. 

Personal Development. Learning what my mind can do, makes me test it, and I am always amazed. I recommend... Car Smart (Chalean Johnson), The Ultimate Edge (Tony Robbins), Brendon Burchard, and many more. It is a gold mine. Trust me on that. 

Attitude adjustment. Understanding that while there still will be hard days, I can make the best out of everything. It is based on my outlook and attitude. Someone may do/say something that really hurts, but it is up to ME how I let it affect my life. They are over it, don't put your happiness on the line because of what someone else does or says. 

Helping others, and sharing my passion. Find your passion, EVERYONE has at least one thing that they are/can be passionate about. You don't have time to waist, find it now!!! 

Please don't take this as me not understanding... I do understand, and I have high hopes for everyone out there to find true happiness. 

Love to you! 

Night :)

                                                       What makes you happy?


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

You... yes, YOU!!

"Man if only I could finish things I start!" This thought has been going through my mind on repeat lately. Not even really realizing it... until it is LATE one night, I am snuggled in my nice warm bed, and I can't figure out what this whole is that I am feeling.

You may be accustomed to not belittling others hopes and dreams because you are a good person, and can see the true potential in people... What about you though? What are your "repeat" thoughts that you tell yourself, and maybe even others on a regular basis? Are they benefiting you, and other's around?

Chances are, unless you have insane mind control, that at least a few times during the day there is a thought that crosses your mind that will hinder you, rather than push you forward. This is natural, but also self destructive. We are what we think.. I mean really. Look at the successful people, they don't get there by feeding into feelings of, "I always fail, so why try?" "They are so LUCKY" "I can never look/be like that" "Man, I am not a good mom/wife/friend" and of course the one replaying in my mind... "I wish I was strong and determined enough to finish what I start."

NOT to say they have never had them!!!! Like I said, it is natural... It is what we do with them that matters. CATCH them, always be aware of what you are telling yourself. Stop it in it's tracks, and lay the smack down!!!!

"If I don't fail, I will never succeed... BRING IT ON!!"
"I can be just as "lucky" if I push through and make it happen!! "
"Most things in life that are worth it take effort... If I want to be/look/act a certain way, I alone can make it happen!"
"I may not be the perfect mom/wife/friend, but you better believe I won't stop doing my best!"
"I can and WILL finish whatever it is I put my mind to."

Yes, this is a cheesy post... No, I no longer care. :D (Out of love of course.) You see that has been one of my personal holdups with writing.. What if I sound dumb/cheesy/uneducated/etc.. As you can see, all that has done is put a hold on my blog. NOT WORTH IT!! Don't put your life on hold because you are worried about what "they" will say!! Please, promise me now... Be you, and don't worry about the negative peeps. Something I have learned is that NO matter the message, they will ALWAYS be out there. Do it anyway!!

DREAM BIG!! Man, if your mind is SO preoccupied with your big dreams, the negative thoughts become fewer and farther between. Something that brakes my heart is that people forget that they still can dream, and more importantly make them come true. Your dreams are your own, but don't throw them away because someone says it is impossible, or would be too hard. (That includes YOU!) If it has been done before it can be done again! No, it probably will not be easy. If it was, it would not be worth it!! Honestly the things we work for the hardest are the ones we cling to the most.. Is that true for you?

Be EXCITED for those that are succeeding, rather than jealous... Why?! It means it can be done, and not only that, but you have a road map as to how. Mentors are critical!! Find people who are already doing, or have what you want and follow in their footprints... HOWEVER be sure to be YOU!!! If you lose the key factor, (You) it will all be for naught. While the steps may be the same, being authentic is KEY!!

Be POSITIVE even when you reeeeaaaaallly don't want to. Hard to do? Yes. Worth it?! YES!! Why? For one thing, there is enough negativity out in the world!!! Seriously though, WHAT YOU THINK, YOU BECOME!! What you are is what you attract! If you are surrounded by a bunch of negative Nelly's, ask yourself where do you stand? Find people who are uplifting, and have the attributes you want. Keep in mind, these people will most likely be doing the same... Not only that, but when you actually prove to yourself that you can be positive when you don't "feel" like it, it is VERY empowering, and shows you what your mind can do.

Always be a work in progress. We all are. If we are not moving forward, we are moving back. It is a fact of life. Take baby steps if that is what you need, just do SOMETHING that will get you closer to where you want to be.

Stand proud of where you have come. It hasn't been easy, but you are HERE. You already have gone through something that would seem impossible, or hard to someone else... Maybe even to you. Yet, here you are. NOTHING will get in your way now.

Love to you, night!! :D

Thursday, June 20, 2013

"Healthy" Rant

Okay, so it isn't very often at all that I rant openly... However there was a post on Facebook I read about a week ago that I can not get out of my mind until I address my thoughts on the subject. The post read somewhere along the lines of...

My kids have never eaten fast food, processed junk, (goes on to explain all the many things she does not feed her kids, they have never tried, and so on) (It is with a picture of a VERY yummy and nutritious meal.)

At first I was like good for you!! That really is awesome! :D

Then I continue reading...

This is paraphrasing...

"I don't get these so called "healthy mom's" out there saying they feed there kids good, while they feed them junk(the above mentioned items)" The praising her ways and bashing other's continues for a little while.

This post had several likes and what looked to be support..

 So my guilt set in. Here I am, someone who helps others reach their fitness goals, and try to role model a healthy life... I feed my kids healthy foods, and make sure they are active, but you better believe they have the other stuff at times too. Maybe I am in the wrong business?!

A week later I have come to a VERY firm conclusion that I am not in the wrong. While it is absolutely amazing she does that with her family, and they thrive and love it, it is not her place to tell us other moms that our "Healthy" attempts don't matter. My children are indeed healthy, active, and happy. (most of the time) lol I will be the last person to say that I am perfect, or that another person HAS to live my way to be happy, it just isn't the case.

I believe it is that mindset that gives fitness coach's, a bad rep at times. Who wants help from someone who is basically condemning them for picking up a burger on the way home one night, or giving their children a piece of candy every now and than? It adds guilt, guilt leads to feeling incapable, which may even lead to giving up trying at all. NOT GOOD. If instead we don't bulk everyone in the same category. Some can stop all together, others need moderation to succeed, some may be all about having only healthy food in their house while their spouse still brings in the other. When people are making an effort to be healthy, they need support and loving guidance, not to be judged.

So I will continue being my kind of a "Healthy Mom". I will make sure my children get the nutrition, exercise, and love they need. However if there are times I want to give them a Hamburger or a treat, it is going to happen. With a smile on my face, and love in my heart. I am not perfect, but please refrain from saying that my efforts to raise my children are not as good as your own.

Now back to my regular blog posts. he he. :D

Thursday, May 2, 2013

A letter to the past

Dear Crystal,

Here I am, the one person on earth who has been where you are, seen what you have seen, and knows what follows. I see you sitting there shattered, crying on the floor, feeling as if there is no hope for you. You feel as though you are nothing but a burden on those you love, and they probably would be better off without you. Even though they say differently, you believe you know better. What is it that all these happy, beautiful girls have that you don't? Why can't you get some of that?

There you are in Junior High, gosh he is SOOO cute!!! Oh the excitement you feel when his buddy comes up to you for him, to ask if you want to be his girlfriend! You feel validated, not so invisible, and almost even pretty for once at school. "Try not to be too excited" you think to yourself... "Yes" you finally get the courage to say..... Only to be returned with "No way girl! He is dating my sister, stay away!!" You had not even made any advancements to him, not even having the nerve to say hi, so why the attack? Rushing to the bathroom, trying to be strong, only to pass the one and only "crush" himself. "Tears don't come, please, I am begging DON'T come!!" ... They come, and come, and come some more. Any self esteem you had left is officially gone. "I must be really ugly and fat for him to treat me this way!"
Now what? You can't just not go to school, life has to go on.... "If I lose weight I might be prettier, and more wanted!!" You are so determined to get attention from others, slow down, look at what you have, you don't need them!! "It hurts! I want so badly to be the "pretty" girl, the one everyone wants to be around."
Every compliment you get is fuel to the fire. You feel as though the skinnier you are getting, the better you are looking, and more attention comes your way. People at school look at you as the "happy" one. You are so good at smiling through the pain you feel, too good. No one expects "someone like you" would feel so awful inside.
 Although, when you are around your family you are worn out with pretending. They don't get to see that side... They see the tears, breakdowns, attacks and pain, but don't understand why. Even you don't fully understand. This doesn't seem fair.

How blessed you are that you have their love and support through it all! What an amazing brother it is that will come after you in the middle of the night when you run off to be alone. He knows better. He sits and listens, and loves you for who you are. What amazing parents you have who will let you cry, vent, and get out your emotions, and still comfort you even though you are acting... out of sorts. You have a sister who loves you, even though  you two fight a lot now, you know that you love each other and will have the other's back. What about your little brother? Yes, you have your fights as well, but you can't deny how you have always felt a desire to keep him safe and happy.

Step back, look at your life... There are so many personal experiences that have brought you to where you are today. Things that make you sad, feel not good enough. Moments that you have just wanted to be invisible, and unheard. The silent prayers in your heart begging for it to be your time to go.

Stop now, and ask yourself why! Why have you put so much precedence on what the world and others think? What is it that they have or do, that makes you willing to hand them the power to your happiness? Whose to say that they are not in their own battle? With their own hidden plea for help.. What opportunities are you missing out on, right now, to help those around you? Being consumed with not being good enough is taking all of your energy.

You are a daughter of God, I know you know that. You have NEVER doubted that, but are you OWNING it? When you look in the mirror, do you see what he sees? It won't come over night, but start now. You can see it in those around you, now see it in yourself!! You are here for a reason, but you need to overcome self doubt to reach it.

Many more hard times and battles are before you. Life is not easy, it was never intended to be so. Use your challenges to help you grow, and help others along their way. Be strong. Smile from your heart. Have love for everyone. Surround yourself with positive people, and help those around you. In serving other's, you will find yourself.

Future you. :D

Monday, March 11, 2013

Lost Time

 As a kid, something in me wanted to cling hopelessly onto childhood forever. You always hear "Don't wish your life away", and I really didn't. Quit the opposite actually. It would have sufficed me just fine to stay young forever. Having the biggest worry being whether homework was done okay, and turned in on time. Growing older actually scared me to some point, not ever really knowing why.

As I aged more, and found myself in Junior High, it was a whole different playing field. Insecurities galore seemed to poor over me. Was I too fat? Not smart enough? Were my feet too big? I really hope I can make friends okay... Junior high seems to be hard on a lot of young ones. It is such an adjustment, and I did not take well to it. On the outside, I was able to come accross very happy, while inside I felt a whole, and never understood why. Why at such a young age did I care SO much what the world thought of me, or if I was accepted or not? There were so many sweet people that I became friends with, many that I am still close to today. Yet, somehow I felt alone in the crowded hallway. During these delecate years, I had lost 3 family members, and a family friend. All of which were too young to die. It was so hard to accept what was going on. How my heart ached for those that passed on who meant so much to me. All that got me through was knowing that I will see them again, and that they are in a better place. I am sure as happy as can be.

High school absolutely terrified me!! While a lot of friends were going to be going to the same school, to me it was as though I was starting over again. This time I was bound and determined to find a better sense of me. Not really knowing how. My Father in Heaven was watching out for me.The first day of school was always the worst.. Stand up and tell some about yourself. Gah, how I hated that! After doing so in one of my classes I was ready to just sit back and blend in my chair as fast as possible... When a girl leaned in and started talking to me. Her name was Becca, I still to this day don't know if she knows what she did for me. She invited me to hang out with her friends. They had all been friends forever, yet somehow they fit me right in as though I had always been a part of them. Even though I still struggled with self worth, I NEVER doubted that they loved me, and I was a part of the gang.

 It was around halloween when I really got to know one of my dearest friends. We were walking in our costumes, freezing our behinds off, to keep warm she linked arms with me. As we started talking I instantly knew that this girl was someone special. She loved everyone, no matter what. There was no judging, and she always spoke kind. I had to be friends with her. Just a week or so later a friend informed me that Merced was sick, and that the chances of her living a full life were not likely. This made me sick, losing several loved ones in my past I did not feel that emotionally I would be strong enough for this. However, she was a magnet. Absolutley the best person I had ever known. What a blessing it was to be her friend, and have her love. There was never a big event in my life that she was not there for. Even most small ones she was too. As we were riding in the back of "Whitey" (Our dear friend Jayson's car) She made me promise that it would always stay that way. We would always be so close, and be there for each other. "Of course" was the only thing I could think. Merced and I were to be friends forever.

Graduation came, and life took it course. We both went different ways, but she as well as the others were sure to have get togethers frequently. I tried to go when I could, a lot of the times things made it difficult. Things that looking back I would change in a heartbeat, just to be there! When we got together it was so much fun! They really are some of the most amazing friends anyone could have.
Out of the group of my friends, I was first to get married, and got pregnant with a honeymoon baby. The get togethers continued, however making it to them became even less likely for me. For some reason, I had convinced myself that all my free time was to be with my husband. He would always want me to go out and do things, but there was an anxiety I felt when I would do so. Family things would colide with when the get togethers were, and again something always seemed to get in the way. Every time, I got my butt out the door, into the car and over to my friends it was so refreshing, and I wanted to do it again right away... Life, and may I add excuses got in the way.
Being such a hermit contributed greatly to my depression, which in turn made it harder to go out. Eventually I found myself with 3 children, utterly depressed, and feeling lost. What had got me to this point? I absolutley love and loved my family, which made me feel even more guilty for having those feelings. So much time was lost because of where I was emotionally. It made me strive to find a solution, and I did. (See earlier Post, "Who Me?")
I was alive and me again ready to face the world head on. When I returned home from the TurboFire shooting, my thoughts turned to my friends. It was my turn to plan get togethers, and show them how much they mean. I was going to call Merced to just talk like we used to, it was exciting to think of catching up on the missed time. Two days after returning home, I recieved a phone call that shook my world so hard, and put me in an extrememly dark place.
When I looked down to see that my friend Ashley had called me, I was excited thinking that we were going to have another get together that I WOULD make it to. However when I heard the voicemail, my body shook. Something was wrong. Instantly calling back, trying to convince myself I was jumping to conclusions I was sorely dissapointed.
Merced had passed. She was gone.
I was too late, no time to tell her why I had abandoned her in her last years of life. No time to tell her just how SORRY I am. All opportunities past, and absolutely nothing I could do to change it. Regret overwhelmed me. Facing my friends seemed like an impossible task. How was I to explain to them what had happened. Would they think I was just saying it because this took place? The pain was unbearable. How selfish I had been.
When I saw my dear friends, and Merced's family my heart felt as though it would explode. The hugs and kind words which they spoke were so touching. These are the people who were true to her, they were always there for her, she had all the support and love she needed. However, she had not had my support. I had broke my promise. That was enough to tear me into two. Forgiving myself seemed an impossible task.
It has been over a year now since this nightmare took place, and yet at times it still feels like yesterday. I have had more dreams about her than I can count on my hands, some of which I cry when I wake up because I didn't want it to end. Someday I will see her again, and she will know how much I love and appreciate all she taught me through just being her.

It is for her that I raise my voice, and mv make it my goal to help others who find themselves where I was. It was not overnight, it took effort and determination, but I will never get back there. If you find yourself needing support, or a push, follow me. It is my mission to help others not miss out on precious time like I did. You are not alone, don't miss another second to just "be" with the ones you love.

(This message came from the heart, lots of tears were shed while typing this. It is the first time I have been able to put these emotions into words. If this resignates with you, like, share, and/or message me on Facebook. I would love to connect. https://www.facebook.com/determinedmomma4life?ref=hl)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Emotions, good or bad?

I have been wanting to make a blog post for a little bit, but was unable to find a topic I was prepared to write on. Tonight no matter what I was to make a post. After starting, erasing, and starting over several times my topic is now chosen. If nothing else, this blog is to be open. Meaning that anything I share is something that is dear to my heart, and comes straight from it. Stepping back from all my "what ifs" "what will they think" and just pouring out my thoughts.

As I was getting frustrated earlier about not being able to come up with a topic. My daughter who was in bed and once asleep, started throwing a fit. I am not talking a little whining fit... I am talking screaming, hitting, delusional fit. At times it was quit comical, at others very well frustrating. She was not talking, would not tell us what was wrong, and repeatedly trying to be on the attack. Wow, what was going on!? This went on for a good 15 minutes. Trying to reason with her was just not an option. When she hits a point she eventually just breaks down and cries. As I was finally allowed to hug her, she just cried. She calmed down enough to tell me she wanted to lay by me in my bed. While laying there, I asked her why she was so upset, and trying to hit, letting her know it makes me sad when she acts that way. "Don't be sad mommy, I just wanted to kiss you". Now a simple "kiss me mom" would have sufficed, however somewhere along the line she has picked up already on what I call the "Can't you just read my mind" woman trait. ;) More than that though, she has emotions that she herself does not fully understand, which makes it hard for anyone else to pick up on what she wants and needs.
Photo by Alexandra Clever

It is not like I have not been there. So frustrated because of all the emotions built up in me, not knowing how to get them out. Emotions are such a foreign language for some. How often do we try to hide how we feel, afraid of what might be the outcome. If you don't know me, you wouldn't know that I happen to be a very emotional person. Often misunderstood by myself and others. Yes, I added myself to that statement. At times I have actually hated how emotional I can get over things. As I tried to control, and hide the way I felt it put me in a bad place. I would liken me to a dam barely staying strong, just a few more gallons of water would push it to its capacity. Once added it would burst taking out anything in its way. It just happened to always be that those few gallons were put in unknowingly and unintentionally by people who did not need, nor deserve the destruction that would follow. No, I have never attacked anyone with any physical force, however at times it was as though I was acting like my daughter was tonight. Acting out of sorts, not knowing why I was acting, and saying the things I was. Where if I was able to just say.. "I need a hug" feelings would have been spared, and nights would have been saved.

These experiences are ones that have taught me, and have shaped who I have become. While there are things that I wish hadn't been said, and actions that I am not proud of, without them I would never have found a way to keep the water at a safe level in my "dam".

If you are one who struggles with ether your own, or someone elses' emotions I have come up with just a few tips that may be helpful.  (know that these are all things I work on a daily basis, I am just sharing what I have found has helped me, in hopes it can help you)

#1 Lose control in order to gain control
              What?! Well we need to let go of the mindset of hiding/controlling how we feel, and change it to control how we express the way we feel. If we decide emotions are okay, we can move on from there. So lose the control mindset that emotions, and being emotional is bad.

#2 If you are sad... Be sad. If you are happy, be happy!! No matter what the emotion, let yourself experience it without shame or embarrassment.  It is okay to feel them.(acting on some i. e. anger is prob not a good thing :/ )
             There is no need to hide it and keep it deep down inside. Emotions are a gift, how can we know and love ourselves if we are hiding how we feel?

#3 Now that you are going to allow yourself to feel emotion, you need an outlet for it!! For each emotion you may need a different outlet. Find some that work for you, try different ones til you find the right fit! Examples I have are:
               Anger - Punching bag, or a workout that you can let all of your frustrations out. A physical release that is not endangering to others can be very beneficial!!
               Sad- Journal writing. Letting out how you feel, there is something healing about taking a pen to paper. It gives the brain time to digest what is going on. This is also good for ALL emotions!
               Excited- Man, just be excited! Don't worry about what others think, remember, be you!

               Happy- This seems like an easy one right? However, are you allowing yourself to be happy, or are you focusing on things that make you sad and upset? When something "Happy" happens, live in the moment, and be thankful for it!

                Hurt- Feel the pain, and let it help you grow. Don't dwell on what happened. Do your best to forgive and move on. Don't hide it, and hope it goes away. Face it head on and make it YOUR decision to gain from this experience.

So basically, let yourself feel emotions in the way they are intended and let them help you grow. They really are a blessing in times of trial, triumph, and just in every day life.

Emotions are confusing, and are hard for most people to understand. Everyone has them, no one is exempt, it is how people handle or show them that is different. :D

(If you like this blog be sure to like it below, and share it with your friends. It is fun to write, and I put a lot of thought into each post!)


Monday, February 25, 2013

Who? Me?

"A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals."
Larry Bird

It is such a struggle at times to feel capable of achieving great things. That little or should I say LOUD negative voice in my head seems to get in the way.

"Wow she is such a better mom than I could ever be"
"I work my tale off, but I don't think I will ever look or be like so and so, they are perfect"
"If I say how I feel someone will think I am dumb, best to keep it to myself"
"If I gain weight, people will judge me"

This list could go ON and ON. Why though? What is it that makes us compare ourselves to others? Never have these thoughts brought me success. Only fear, which has made me hold back in so many areas of my life.

After having my third baby, I was a mess. Really I had lost who I was to a point. It didn't make sense to me at all!! I had the Gospel, and all my life I had wanted to be a mom. Here I was, the mother of 3 beautiful, amazing children. So why was I depressed? It was hard for me to do, well anything. My poor kids were not getting the attention they deserved, and I was no where near the wife I should have been. Something had to change, but what?
Well I got Turbofire for a gift.  It had been something I longed for, but was not able to afford at the time. You would not believe my excitement! As I started the program it was exhilarating. It woke something in me that was missing for years. My passion for fitness was rekindled, and there was no stopping me. Part way through the program, I was blessed to find out that they were going to be holding auditions for some extra Turbofire videos. They wanted real people, with real results... Still having weight to lose, I decided that I would shoot for it. What could I lose right? It took a lot of dedication, pushing play, eating right, and taking lots of pictures and videos. Mainly I did this for an extra push. There was NO way they would possibly pick me to be in the new videos. After all, there were SO many other amazing stories, and transformations. Mine was just... mine.
It had been a couple weeks after sending in all the required material, when I heard Chalene Johnson was doing a live USTREAM. Of course I hop on because she was the person responsible for my transformation, both in and out. Little did I know that she was announcing the winners of the audition. As she started telling just how many people tried out for this, and how few would be able to be chosen. I was comforting myself. "At least you tried, there are just better success stories out there." "That is a LOT of people, it is okay if you aren't one" I was ready to fully accept what it was, and be so excited for those who made it. She read my friends name.. Shukria Stewart... I started to squeal. So excited for her, she deserved it!!! Living in the same city as her, the hopes of my name being called were gone. However, I kept listening to see if I happened to know anyone else.... Chalene, looking into the camera says... "Crystal, than a pause that seemed to have lasted forever, Hopkins" Of course my first thoughts were wow, there is another Crystal Hopkins out there. Than is hit me, if there was, she would have been more specific. It WAS me!!! Tears, and screams of excitement was all I could do for quit some time.
Why was I so excited? Yes, the working out with the person who changed my life and way of thinking was amazing to think about!! Also though, there was a sense of pride. I had set out to accomplish a goal, gave it all I had, and I SUCCEEDED!! Against all odds. I threw out excuses, and made it happen.

This is not something I say to brag in the least!!! It is something I share because I want you to see the greatness that you have. You literally can do what you put your mind to. This is true, not just some sang. Get away from thinking, "Ya, that worked for you, but not for me". Maybe the "audition" will go to someone else, but all the positive things you will gain along the way will be worth it!!  Even if my name had not been called, I still hit goals. I lost 48 pounds total after having my baby, but more importantly my depression was cured. No matter what, I was going to be happy.

Believe in what you are capable of doing, push yourself. Magnify your talents, and make goals. Don't let yourself get into the rut I was in, but if you are there know that you are able to get out!! Find what makes you tic, and push yourself. Get rid of the negative thoughts, and replace them with powerful positive ones. It CAN be done. Not only for everyone else, but for YOU!!

Attached is the link to the final video I sent in for the casting decision. It is my story on what Turbo did for me.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aoQT3tuOJ0